Dancing in the Darkness

On Exhausting Yourself into Awakening

“Do not try to bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth: there is no spoon. Then you’ll see that it is not the spoon that bends — it is only yourself.” -The Matrix

So much of awakening process can feel like you're fumbling in the dark. You can learn about other people's transcendent experiences, how they “got there” and, if you're lucky, use your own past illuminated experiences as a loose guide - but you can only ever FEEL your way through the dark. It's a bit like wandering through a hedge maze blindfolded, your hands clumsily grasping at the greenery while people who've seemingly made it through to the other side shout at you that there is no maze.

So you stop. You take a deep breath and you wait. You're not sure what you're waiting for exactly, but something…There's an intrinsic something you've been sensing for some time now, an ebbing and flowing that you can't quite grab onto. It's been there, ducking in and out of your consciousness like a dream that you were just in and are trying to remember. But to remember, you have to stop concentrating and just let it come back to you. It's the moment where instead of chasing the scared dog that's gotten loose, you crouch down and put your hand out.

That's what it has felt like for me as I'm consciously experiencing what I am. There's been a transition from searching for information, to searching inside of myself, to tiring myself out with all my searching, to becoming tired of even being myself, and then…a physical sensing of a deeper something emerges. My first awakening happened when I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted so I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that exhaustion might be my go-to move in this crazy dance.

It took getting tired of WHO I am to really feel WHAT I am. I've had a knowing since my first big awakening that's been compounded by every subsequent one, but this part of my process feels more corporeal. It's an unfolding that I first became conscious of a few years ago when I started noticing a humming underneath me. Then one day, I woke up and my entire body was vibrating like a car engine. I didn't know what it was or why I was experiencing it, but it felt very comforting and kind of magical, really - like an old friend coming back for a visit.

I've also used the vibration to help me focus and let go into meditation, grasping it like a hand pulling me through the Wonderland mirror. Sometimes I'll read or see something that the vibration seems to like, and it will rouse and intensify like a symphony of energy rising, its antennae now at full attention. If I take time to settle into the vibration, a smile will usually find its way onto my face, and that smile can often transport me into a state of pure bliss. The vibration seems designed to amplify my emotions, and though it naturally feels good, it's more of a neutral energy. The deeper layer of reality that the vibration can give me access to, on the other hand, feels like Goodness itself.

The Goodness, of course, is me just as the vibration is me. I get the feeling that this human form can only hold so much vibration and goodness for now, just as my smile can only grow so wide and my heart can only soar for so long. Sometimes it feels as if I'm holding onto this temporary organization of my energy very tightly, anchoring my form into this perspective with everything I've got. I have had a few moments, though, of feeling my energy start to expand and diffuse into the vastness of what I am. One day, I imagine, my vastness will take a deep breath in and out, and my form will let go and float away like a dandelion in the wind.

It delights me everyday how I can be both a limitless consciousness and also this tiny one - what a magic trick! Along with these energetic experiences has come an attraction to the quiet and stillness that naturally births them. I'm having more moments of awareness when reaching for my phone, my book, or my tv remote, that what I'm looking for isn’t out there, but in here. It is me that I'm looking for and I'm exactly where I've been all along. I’m still curious, but more about what’s already here than what’s not. I love that just being has become so delicious, that doing nothing (something I've always naturally excelled at 😉) is now my secret passageway into everything.